it started in jr high, slipping notes in through locker grates. in high school we had mailboxes.... in went the intricately folded pieces of paper with little love notes, little hugs in a wadded up piece of paper. usually into the pocket they went. when i tood a year off before college, i got a few postcards from a lovely lady.... to whom i never wrote back, but her cards were one of the few things that pulled me through that year.

i stopped sending notes. i had an almost friend who would send me packages. with letters type writen, pieces of tree branches hidden in the folds of the paper. scenes of juniper bushes and cacti, never ending landscapes i can only imagine from the words woven on those pages. i never told him how much those meant to me.

one night, before groundhog day, a friend and i baked a three leafed table full of cookies.... acknowledging our friends' allergies and dietary restrictions... gluten free, vegan, no nuts... and wrote secret notes on them and drove them all to the houses of the people we loved to be found in the morning.

somehow they all knew they were from us.

when i moved away from the city, we sent letters back and forth, talking about our days and how much we missed each other.
and now that we live together.... well. i miss noting each other.

also miss having the people around who deserve secret packages and notes.... i mean i know they are all around me... we all deserve secret love messages. but somehow i feel like we have all grown apart, and don't know enough about each other. some of -you- i haven't seen since i moved from the western part of the city. which was almost two years ago. but i still think of everyone all the time, and occasionally try and figure out how to make it over there, and run into the people i once confided everything in.

i fell like this is a larger issue than just me and my own silly desires for a connectivity besides those fleeting moments. my pie in the sky is a place where skills and thoughts and food are shared beyond just the house. where many people come together to form a space where childcare and friendships and support and bartering skills and needs manifests into a community.

maybe it exists here.... if it has, i haven't seen it yet. it seemed to exist where i lived two years ago.... where we could all walk to each others homes, where we could bike to a farm to get our produce, or to the local food co-op. where folks lived in huge houses, and shared chores, and cooking food, and shared spaces, and gardens. but it only lasted a short while. and it's too expensive to live there in a semi-permanent way. and maybe that's why we all have to work towards those things together, but here instead of there. and yet here we are.... all working so much that we barely see each other in our own home, where we can't even have full day together, but to be cut short my obligation, work, and the need to sleep a bare minimum. and now i only speak of two people. and i wonder why i don't see other folks anymore, as i can't even to get it together to spend time with my partner in the house we share.

maybe we just all need to slip each other notes, little hugs slipped in the folds of the paper.
texting just doesn't suffice. there is nothing to keep, and look at later, and see the craft put into each letter or note.

by the way---- i still have every note. i have the poem you wrote for me about saving me from my spanish teacher, i have the one where you told me i was beautiful, i have the one you wrote about sante fe, i have the one you sent from utah, i have the one written on a typewriter in a nearly empty room in a squat in new orleans. i have the one you wrote about how we need to do spring-thrifting. i have the one you wrote about wanting to meet the person i finally end up sharing my life with... my true love. i have the one you wrote me about how you fell in love with me. i have the one about how i broke your heart. i have the one about ow beautiful the desert is. i have the one you wrote about our time in new orleans. i have the one you wrote in the childrens book.
i have them all.


i almost forgot!

WE (our collective beings) BOUGHT A HOUSE!

a big, grand, back-yarded, beautiful, three story house. it has a walk in pantry, a linen closet (to hearing this, my mom laughed and said that she thinks that we are officially grown ups) a many paned glass door between the kitchen and dining room. it has a million windows, and a million ways we will make it the most beautiful house in the world.
there will be four humans and five felines loving this house.
and even though they are super snuggly, kittens can't help do renovations... so work and beer parties will be plentiful..

i can't wait to have pictures of the house. my lovely photo-eyed father is going to get conned into taking before, during, and after photos. for which i can not wait!

my plant-fingered momma is gonna help me plan out the most beautiful, space efficient garden with brick patio. perfect for bbq's and growing foods and medicines and mysterious things.

oooooo. i can't wait.

almost punkin time

so for a long while, my computer sat in the basement of my parent's house. While it was there is acquired this mysterious whitish residue all over it. and i successfully rid the poor machine of it, except for on the screen, right where the most important things in internet world always pop up, or where secret clues are in movies etc. so basically it looks like a transparent dirt paint ball through which i now do everything on the computer.

anyway, as i sat down to the task of writing, i realized there was this riff between what i wanted to write, and this dirt ball on my computer (could also be taken as me on the computer, i suppose) ANYWAY. I want to write about something nice, but my apologies if it doesn't sound quite as lovely, because it is visually streaming through a dirt-splatter.

so, last night i couldn't fall asleep becasue i just couldn't rid myself of the desire for someone to document how flippin cute we are when we sleep. i mean, i hope most people(who sleep in the same space) spoon as they fall asleep, but somehow lying in bed, i just felt like the the only person in the world that was so special as to not only be there with someone so completely and utterly beautiful, but also for said person to have fallen asleep holding my hand.....

well it makes me all warm and fuzzy inside just thinking about it.
(though i must say i really wanted to type all worm and gooey inside) 'tis the season eh?

speaking of worms and gooey things, i have been sourly disappointed with the weather on saturdays. it's been enough to squash all hope of getting a really amazing pumpkin, and cider donuts, and carmel apples each saturday, for the last THREE cout, em, three. weeks. it's a little bit pathetic, i think, that we are all so excited for the perfect fall day, that we can't bring our selves to embrace even a few clouds, and the possibility of some rain, and the mud, and the miserable people... well, i guess i feel ok about it.

i just hope that tomorrow is a million times better

and if it is, i will hopefully have gloriously gross pictures of beautifully scary punkins... fingers crossed.


scattered brains

yesterday was the first cold, rainy, grey tinged day. today, it's continued. and here i lay under three quilts, a blanket and sheet, icy finger-tipped and wishing the 60 degree days would come back for a little longer... i mean, i know the cold snap means the most beautiful fall is yet to come, the colors sudden and vivid, but at this moment, i wish i was on a horse, with the fall happening around me, not a cloud above me.

but another reality is today, so uploading photos will satisfy my wandering mind, filling my computer with the colors of central america... speaking of which, after an email received, the overwhelming feeling that i'm not doing what i'm supposed to be doingright now knocked me over. and i have to wait for january to go here:

and really. I can't wait.

brains.... sometimes i have a hard time focusing on just one things until it is solved, or brought to fruition. i blame it on my birth day. so, speaking of which, something else that has been moving among the gears and cranks in my skull is a concept that i'm having a hard time wraping my brains around: how to define space with light. OR how to create space with light.
there is this really incredible artist, james turrell (who has the most incredible beard, buy the way) who, in his early work, created the illusion of three dimensional shapes by casting light from a projector on the ceiling. incredible. (look him up)

and so for this project i've been thinking on, is all about space, about  creating space that elicits a feeling. but, i would rather create a fake space, or something that really is no space at all, but seems that it is, and challenge the viewer in that way. but doing that is harder than just building a boring room, or hood to put over your head, or a mask of some sort.


on a totally unrelated note, i would like to share a little glimpse of the most beautiful place on earth...just sayin'

fall colored reeds.

the tastiest water i've ever put in my mouth.

and a puppy i adopted for an afternoon.

night at the camp. (you can't hear nearly that much life here in the city)
rocker on the dock, a hot toddie in one hand, the other holding onto the chair, lest i fall into the stars, or the lake.

even just thinking about all the beauty and vibrancy of the woods, well, it makes me want to pack up my car with all my things and go for a spell.
and when that spell breaks, i'll come back and share of what they've taught me with those who wish to know.


bullet points

things i suppose you should know because they are of importance in everything i plan on blogging about:

. i was born on may 30th: serious gemini

. i geek out about horses

. that should be enough to tell you who i am if you know me.... but i would prefer for you to forget that you know me, and continue on with the simple realization that this is solely a place for what would ordinarily end up in notebooks in my book case, and i hope this creates a space for my own feelings and drawings on life and the world i live in, and perhaps someone will relate, maybe some will find it so tediously boring.... but really, i don't care what you think.

because this is for me.


do not be lazy.

the japanese have these lovely sayings... or suggestions for living, and of couse i can only remember the one i need to quote: first, do not be lazy.

this i will try to do.
easier said than done