If I would have known what my life would be like and how happy i would be a year and a few months ago, I am not sure things would have happened like they did. This year has been one of transformation in a very serious way. In may of last year I was neglected, tired, frustrated, belittled, silenced, and walked all over. I was planning a wedding that I figured would change things, or I guess I was hoping it would. My mothers health was on the line and our family was in survival mode. At a certain point I realized that the most important thing was to find the joy in every day and that nothing should get in the way of that because at the end of the day our time here is fleeting and I dont know about you, but I would like to have enjoyed the ride.
My mother and I spent countless hours in the garden, cultivating our friendship that had lapsed for too long and her passing along the knowledge that can only be handed down from mother to daughter in stories and anecdotes.
As the year passed and it got cold, the garden was winding down and I found my solace at the barn once again. Wonderful supportive friends and horses who don't judge you but just lend an ear and unconditional love. The winter was a hard one and i found myself drawn to a man I had known of for quite some time, and yet had never connected with. Fast friends we became. He held me and let me be me, made me dinner while I wept to my mother on the phone about my disintegrated relationship.
He never held any judgement, just listened and held me up. He brought a kind of joy into my life I am not sure I had known before, playing games, sledding and remembering how beautiful and joyful the littler things can be. Appreciating the beauty in the winter and the comfort that can be found in the cold dessolation of the winter months.
I am not sure when I realized I had fallen in love with him. I do know that at some point I realized that i would and that there was nothing that could stop it from happening. The love I had had for her had been gone a long long time. This was something different. This is something different.
I am in a place now that feels more like home than I can ever remember. It is a feeling of fullness, a swelling of the chest, an expansion of the heart so great, you feel like you might burst, and yet it is not scary, it is comforting and wonderful and nurturing and exciting! To feel satisfaction and contentment in the path you are traveling is a beautiful thing. a beautiful thing indeed.