sometimes it is overwhelming.
you dont know when it will happen.
its this thing that overtakes you.
and the only way to get it out is to let it go.
how do you let it go.
how do you let it free?
how do your face your biggest fear as a human?
how do you face death?
My own death would be easy(ier) for me.
i would be gone.
i will see my loved ones one day soon. soon enough. in another life, in another place, just not here and not now.
but the death of my mother?
of the person that made me?
the person that dreamed of me and wished of me (even if she didnt know it then)
the person that raised me and made me who i am.
the person who, with my father, has loved and held me through thick and thin, and no matter what has never let go, but has only loved me more?
this is something we all go through. it is completely inevitable. and yet it is the hardest thing any of us will ever encounter. You think that it will be hard to lose the one you love. you are wrong. nothing will ever compare to losing the ones who begot you. you have no idea.
And still, I am so lucky, or unlucky, i have not yet decided. To know they are going to leave this life and leave you to fend for yourself, is that a wonderful or a horrible fate? who is to know. Each experience is so different. We have spent the last few nights sleeping in the same room. and not last night, not the night before, but tonight is when i feel it. Tonight is the night that i feel so separate. Why is she so vulnerable tonight? She has us to protect her. is it that i am so vulnerable tonight?
it is like a puddle of self pitty. i cant decide if i am jumping into it or if i am appreciating that there is this huge, beautiful, wrippling puddle of self pity there, and i am going to jsut sit here on the edge and know its there but not jump in.
I think i jumped in, and now i am wading to the edges. I can look back as see what is there. I cans see that my mother has reached this point where she is just so happy to be here. She is just so happy to be with us, and in her garden, and with my father and her friends and she doesnt give a fuck. Her life is hers. Finally. After all this time. and here i am being a total twat and thinking about myself.
We really are just such selfish creatures. So selfish. We want what is easy, what is kind, what will spare us. And yet the reality is that the fates are cruel. This is what she has always said. They will send all the best things your way at one time, so you have to choose. They will send you all the worst parts at once so you feel like you can not go on, that this world is a horrible place. They will throw things at you one after another to see what you can handle, and it is your job to figure it all out and make the best of it.
Make the best of it.
Here it is.
This, for me. This is me laying it all out.
my tears have dried, my nose is only sniffly once and a while, and i can begin to appreciate the little things again.
the breath moving in and out of my body. the smells. the fresh smell of rain. of a wood fireplace. of maine. The sound of the rain. The sound of my parents sleeping in this beautiful old room. The sound of bon iver singing me into a place of calm and acceptance. Not complacence. But acceptance.
Here. This is place I have been before. It has been a while. It is always slightly different. It always a place of growth. always a place i am just a little familiar with but a place i have never been before. here is a place where i know i am doing the most work. it is perpetually uncomfortable, and indefinitely wonderful. I spent a long time here this last year. Who am I? Who do i have? what do i have? how did i get here? how will i move on from here? who will support me? What do I love? who do i love? do i love myself enough to do... To move... to be... to exist... to question... YES.
and here we are. You and I.
For if you are reading this, you have have accompanied me on this journey.
We have arrived in a place of peace. can you feel it? i am calm. we are calm. there is no infinite right now. there is only now and this place and us. I feel you with me. This is a new place for me, and if it is not for you, than i take you as my guide, and if you, like me, have never been here before, let us grasp hands, and walk as one. This part is unguided. I can not wait to see where we go from here. let this be exiting for you too. let us explore. let this be. i can not wait to see where we go from here.