Today I have done some very satisfying things. Today I have done things that made me feel certain ways, lusting after something. Lusting after a life. A lot of which was me lusting after what I have and what I was doing, the actual realization that Today is a beautiful day. It is cold and windy and sunny and all my perennials are inside, my kittens are sleeping snuggled throughout the rooms, the sun streaming in. the most beautiful voices and instruments covering everything with an air of calm and satisfaction and dreams. Today a long while was spent looking though photos, photos of everything. Of life, of the little things, of all that comes together to make a whole. What is a whole you ask? I am not entirely sure. I am not entirely sure it exists. Or maybe everything is whole and we just perceive it not to be.

And now as i sit here at my computer, which is sitting on my mothers desk in a living room with plants by the window, a dog and cat snuggled on the couch together and a mug of homemade chai tea, I realize that this is just perfect. My lust and day dreams are of this picture. This house, these animals, this life, but in ten years. I am seeing my future. The plants hanging, drying from the rafters with a fire in the wood stove. The windows frosted that look out of the fields with our horses lazily grazing in them. Our kitchen filled with eggs and plants and herbs grown from our love and our fingertips.The noises have changed though. In my daydreams of the future there are chickens chuckling, wind blowing through the trees, the crackle of the fire, the birds singing their winter songs. The sounds of an old house breathing.

A I type this there is a swelling in my throat. You know the feeling. The feeling when you think of the someone you love coming up behind you and wrapping their arms around you. When you can feel them, smell them, hear them, but you cant see them unless you close your eyes.

You first feel the swelling in your chest, an overwhelming sensation. like heat swelling and rising up from your depths and it rises up into your throat and fills it, and it feels as if this would be the most lovely way to choke and die.

For me, thinking about my future, about the smells, the noises, the crickets at night, the birds chirping with the first warming of the night sky before dawn, the whistling of the pine trees in the winter, the cracking of leaves as they dry and crunch under feet and hooves. The sticky sweet and smokey smell of the air that is cool and so full of oxygen. The clearness of the mind and the views that seem uninterrupted. The unknown and yet comforting knowledge that there are animals keeping watch over the night, the fox's shrill screech and the owls deep throaty calls reminding us that we are indeed not alone.  

Today I will let this overwhelming feeling fill me and warm me and help to fill these bottles and jars and let the sweetness of this life and how lucky am filter through the funnel and in turn warm your belly when you drink these love(d) cordials.