every time i go to sit and write... my fingers move over the keys in the same way. the same words, the same tone.
........today i sit where i want to sit, and am doing what i want to be doing.
the circumstances have changed this time though, and altough those words are still true the sentiment behind them has changed.
so many things have changed.
Every day i wake up not wanting to leave bed but so excited to be awake.
there is someone new next to me now in this bed is mine and no one elses.
the fire that i have been trying to suppress for so long is burning bright and wild.
i think back to sitting at my desk in the living room of my old house. i closed my eyes and saw visions of my future. i heard the birds singing... so loud that it is almost unbearable. the din of the crickets at night. the soft breeze of the freshest summer winds rustling the trees.the sounds of horses munching lazily without a care in the world.
everything felt so close.... and yet it was the furthest thing from my life. i could feel it. i could feel it.
"As I type this there is a swelling in my throat. You know the feeling.
The feeling when you think of the someone you love coming up behind you
and wrapping their arms around you. When you can feel them, smell them,
hear them, but you cant see them unless you close your eyes.
i wrote: "My lust and day dreams are of this picture. This house, these animals,
this life, but in ten years. I am seeing my future. The plants hanging,
drying from the rafters with a fire in the wood stove. The windows
frosted that look out of the fields with our horses lazily grazing in
them. Our kitchen filled with eggs and plants and herbs grown from our
love and our fingertips.The noises have changed though. In my daydreams
of the future there are chickens chuckling, wind blowing through the
trees, the crackle of the fire, the birds singing their winter songs.
The sounds of an old house breathing. "
i still see these things. but now it isnt ten years. i am not spending this life waiting any more.
My "now' is one of those moments i dreamed of.
there is a fire in the fireplace of my beautifully old and creaky house....or could be if it wasnt warm and the air filled with satiny waterdrops of humidity and early morning dew.
there is a cardinal and her beloved who live in my wisteria.
i can see and feel the same future for myself but now it doesnt exist in this fairytale world where i spend the "now" living in my personal hell and only being able to escape for short times to this place... this magical land where my dog can run free and my days are spent with sweet warm breaths of ponies only an arms reach away. where my plants can reach their roots deep into the ground if they choose. deep deep down where the soil is cool and nourishing.
here is where i want to set my roots.... not in the city. i have played the part for far too long. i have loved the city, i have loved in the city.... and always in my heart i have been yearning for the day when i could leave... leave the nonstop sirens and children screaming. the endless loop of mister softee's plea for business.
i have been day dreaming of this life for so long. the anticipation made the desire so much i could barely stand it and the reality so much more fulfilling.
and the best part of it all is knowing that this is just the beginning.
i wake up everyday not wanting to leave bed but so excited to be awake .