its been a while...

....sometimes. sometimes things just feel too big. emotions mostly. sometimes it's a gut feeling. sometimes its nothing at all, and it swells and there is no name, and your body mind heart just can not contain it.... a scream and tears and laughter and howls. how do you express that which is just too damn big ?

I have been feeling a lot of that lately. i wonder how much of it one can take. i think it builds and builds and builds.

i wonder how one would go about releasing some of the the bigness. some of the intensity. some of the.... whatever it is.

my mom was diagnosed with cancer. they hook up these drips. these drips that are supposed to shrink the expanding out of control parts of her body that just couldn't handle it anymore. they are supposed to put her in control again, take away the biggness. the intensity. make her able to continue living. and yet in the meantime...... she is spiraling. we are all spiraling, i hope with her.

she is the strongest person i have ever met. i think i knew it before i met her, and that is why she is mine, why i chose her. why she chose me.

i just don't know how she does it. these huge boulders fall on her, and she just keeps throwing them like pebbles out of the way. she has a wall of pebbles she stands over. pretty soon they will be so numerous she will just climb on top, and the light will just shine.

it does already. she is radiant

how does one let go. we need to let go of the vastness. of do we embrace it, take it in, and let it propel us to our futures? how. how are we supposed to
i don't think we are supposed to do much, except believe in her and grab what feels right, and let go what does not. we are supposed to understand that she works in mysterious ways and has a plan.
her plan, which i saw, was for my mom, my mom is to have encounters, to be a channel, to see. she is supposed to SEE.

i wonder, i dream, i hope, i pray, she has a plan for me too. not to be selfish of course, but simply because i trust that she does.

she must.

she must



things just change so quickly.
so quickly.