these leaves

they just keep falling. and i cant quite catch them, there they lay on the ground. just there. i mean, is it worth it to try and tack them back on their branches? is it just fall or is the tree dying? why does it all have to be so hard watching them flutter down. so beautiful and amazing, part of this magnificent entity.

 just a direction. a number. a glimpse of the future.... because i dont like where all this is headed.
.
"i got skin like birch bark. you can peel me off and loose me to the wind"

ive reached a point. a new existence. the feeling of what danuwa said, was, is .... it is becoming true, if in no other way but in the changing chemistry of the body. i used to think i was heart because of all there was to get angry about. all the people held dear. that was the first step. and here we are.... and there are fewer people, fewer problems and they all take up more space. more heart. and it pours and the pillow wont make them stop.

i dont feel sorry for myself. i dont cry for what is slipping and sliding (well, maybe a little)  

it just feels more. it quickens the beats the breaths the shudders the rains.

i just, it just,  want it all. just so badly. the desire to grow wiser living on a farm with parents and loves. chickens and a garden for my mom and a shooting gallery for my dad (groundhogs will do i suppose)

the desire to make it. to surround oneself with love and hope ideas questions answers.... and it knows no keeper. where we all end up my be just there, as it plays out in dreams or maybe, shes got it all worked out, just a little twisted. a little warped. she does have a gallows sense of humor doesnt she.

but we all must have faith that there is a reason, a path, a future that she planed and wants for us. we juts have to get there. pulled by the bootstraps.

a deep breath
a deeeeep breath.
sighhh deeeply.
a deep breath
deep breaths.