I have left this space black for oh so long. years in fact. giving so many reasons why I could not sit down and write, and now it has been lifetimes since I let my fingers cover the keys and now my poor self is out of practice. the stringing together of words has become hard and forced and I feel this inability to articulate in my bones. in my communications with my people, with myself, my heart. I have stifled my own voice for many years now and that is devastating to me. 

it takes practice and love and kindness and holding space. it takes knowing your words have worth and finding them backed with strength. not the forceful strength but the kind that is filled with honesty and conviction and love, truth. I have forgotten how to speak my truth, not thinking it has worth. 

how IS that. how could I have done that to my own self. but it is not about blame, but of noticing. the practice of noticing and then allowing it to be seen. really truly openly, without shame or blame, SEEN. 

for the last few years I have been cultivating relationships with strong women. holding space for them, serving them, and loving them. and in turn creating space in which I can heal and regrow my voice. it is like the plants that I don't know how to care for, they take time and observation and they can't always tell me what they need to flourish and sometimes it is simply giving them space in a beautiful and nurturing place and they can go within, rebuild and begin to grow their roots deep and true. it only then that the outward appearance begins to become a visual representation of their happiness, their expression of deep wholeness and wellness. 

this analogy feels so true. by growing my roots and simply clearing away the underbrush, the parts of me that no longer bring me that which I need in order to shine. simply creating that space and having my wonderful women in my root system through which love and support are flowing is building me back up. the plants and magic that resides within them have become such an integral part of my daily ritual... how easy it was to let the plants be a way I only allowed others to flourish and prosper, withholding them from myself thinking I was not worthy of their love and healing and not allowing myself to see clearly the harm that simply denying healing and true seeing the stifling of my spirit and body.

is here and there that the process of healing has begun.