just another night

there is a furry ball of purrs curled in my lap. she has been screaming at me for the last half an hour, following me all over the house... i guess she got what she wanted. she just slowly kneads my leg, ever so gently, and perioticly looks up at me, she knows i will look into her big brown eyes and rub her ears between my fingers,

there is such comfort in such small gestures.

recently ive had this recurring feeling of dread. well, its been since i moved out here i suppose. ill be at the barn, ill be in the garden, ill be working out... and i have this moment of panic... i must go home! or... fuck. i have to leave soon, i better not stay any longer or dillydally or stay and talk to soandso... and then i remember.
then, inevitably come the
overwhelming urge to pinch myself. WAKE UP!

this is so dreamy.... you must be sleeping.
but im not. i am awake. i am more alive than i have been in years. or maybe ever. i am more in my body, more in my mind... so present.

it feels so good.
and sometimes i feel myself sliding backwards, and i have to think.... "where are you going? think on it a moment. what is wrong in life? nothing? well then get the fuck over yourself!"
and really....things are soo good. just so. so. good.

gosh riley is cute.

im not sure why exactly i sat down to write. im not sure what the purpose of this particular writing is.... besides to settle my mind, my racing mind.

i have written about this and that and most things in between and i cant bring myself to repeat myself right now. even though the feelings this time and this place and this night elicit are similare in all but time past and time present.

here is where i sign off. adieu